Photo Credit: Nate Haniger
How To Get Over OFFENSE and Heal Your relationships
We have all been offended at some point in life. You may even be wrestling with offense right now. Perhaps, you feel hurt by a close friend or loved one and you’re not sure how to handle the situation.
Now, imagine things were different: What would it be like if this relationship were totally healed? What if you could do something that would actually make a positive difference? Good news is, you can.
Our response to offense can either promote love and restoration or cause division.
Proverbs says it like this…
“He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.” Proverbs 17:9
To fully understand what this verse is saying, let’s take a closer look at each part:
“He who covers over an offense promotes love…”
We cover over an offense by forgiving the person who hurt us. Like covering an open wound with a bandage promotes healing, covering an offense with forgiveness promotes love. It will take time, but it’s how the restorative process starts.
“...whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.”
We repeat the matter by continually dwelling on the hurt, thinking about it, talking about it, or obsessing about it. This is like picking the scab off a wound, never giving it the covering and time it needs to heal. Each time we repeat the matter we are creating greater and greater separation between ourselves and our loved ones.
So, how do we deal with offense and move forward in a way that will encourage healing and promote love? Here are 4 simple steps:
1. Forgive.
Even if you don’t feel like it, even if you have to say, “I forgive them,” twenty times a day, do it. The Bible warns very strongly of the dangers of harboring unforgiveness in our hearts. Christ completely forgave us, and He helps us forgive others in the same way. Forgiveness is our key to freedom.
2. Stop repeating the matter.
Repeating the matter is the opposite of forgiveness and it demolishes our efforts to forgive. Don’t go around constantly thinking about the offense, gossipping about it to others, or continually bringing it up to the person who offended you.
When we repeat an offense in our mind, or in our speech, it builds a divide of resentment, bitterness and unforgiveness. Circular thinking and gossip can magnify our perception of the offense. At times, we even start to make negative assumptions about the character or intentions of the person who offended us.
It’s important to realize how destructive these behaviors can be. If we want our relationships to heal, we have to stop picking at the wounds.
3. Confront for the right reasons.
If you decide that you need to confront the person who offended you, do so, but make sure your motives are right. Remember that your goal is to promote love and restoration in the relationship. Don’t look at it as an opportunity to vent or make them feel bad. Don’t bring up past arguments, hurts, or failures. Keep the present situation in perspective, and give them the benefit of the doubt. Assume the best of them.
4. Bless, don’t curse.
Sometimes after someone has hurt us, we are able to stop thinking and talking about it constantly (repeating the matter), but we still hold anger and bitterness in our hearts. Then in conversations with others, even though we don’t mention the exact details that upset us, we allow ourselves to speak badly about the person in vague ways. We dishonor and slander their reputation and character- we curse them.
This is even worse than gossiping about a specific offense, because it paints the whole person in a negative light.
Thankfully God gives us a clear remedy- do the opposite: start blessing that person. Pray that God would bless them in every way. Pray for them like you would pray for yourself. Honor them in conversations with others. Just like forgiveness, this is something we can do even if we don’t want to at first, and even if it takes us months of consistent blessing before our hearts change. Blessing our offenders over time allows us to fully forgive, and promotes love in our hearts for them.
Offense is painful and can devastate relationships, but God has given us everything we need to take what is meant for harm and turn it around for good. Let’s be people who aren’t easily offended. And in the times when we are struggling with offense, instead of repeating the matter, and cursing those who’ve hurt us, let’s forgive, let’s confront only in love, and pray blessings over them. Let’s be promoters of love.
ASK YOURSELF:
Who do I need to forgive?
If I confronted this person, would it be beneficial to the relationship?
Have I been dwelling on an offense, or gossiping?
Have I been judging, slandering, dishonoring or cursing anyone?
Who should I start praying for and blessing today?
Verses to Ponder:
“He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.” Proverbs 17:9
“For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, Your Father will not forgive your sins.” Matthew 6:14-15
“Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down.” Proverbs 26:20
“But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven.” Matthew 5:44-45
“Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.” Romans 12:14