“I don’t even know if I believe what I’m saying...”
The first time I heard my husband say this we were just dating. He was trying to explain what he was thinking and feeling, and he prefaced it with this phrase, “I don’t even know if I believe what I’m saying, but…”, then he proceed to pour out his unfiltered, unedited thoughts. It was amazing.
This simple phrase unlocked the entire conversation. Suddenly it was safe to say things that might sound crazy or wrong. He could have conflicting opinions, ask ridiculous questions and be entirely open and vulnerable with everything that was swirling around in his mind.
The idea that I could say all kinds of crazy stuff out loud and not be judged was a whole new concept for me. I was accustomed to being very, very careful with every word that came out of my mouth. I tried not to say things unless I had reached a full conclusion, or fully believed what I was saying. Controlling your tongue, and being concise with your words is a wise practice for a lot of situations in life, but it’s not always helpful when you’re trying to be vulnerable and let someone else in on your process and not just your conclusions.
Since then, I’ve adopted the use of this phrase and it is so liberating- in the right context. You can’t say this all the time, or around just anyone. Imagine if your pastor got up to share the message on Sunday and began by saying “I don’t even know if I believe what I’m saying, but….” People would be upset and confused. It’d be an awful mess.
But imagine your best friend tells you over coffee, “I don’t even know if I believe what I’m saying, but I feel like I have to choose between my creative dreams and my career. Like, maybe I’m supposed to pick one and give up on the other? Does that sound like wisdom or like a really dumb idea?”
If you’re an “internal processor”, like me, or if you've struggled with perfectionism, this phrase could revolutionize your conversations and in turn, really open up your relationships. Think of it as conversational WD-40. When thoughts are trapped in your head and heart- and you can't get them out of your mouth, this phrase is a simple way to get unstuck.
Do you remember those lists of "sentence starters" from your writing assignments in school? "The central theme is..., As demonstrated by..., Furthermore..., In conclusion..." blah... blah... blah.....
Well, this is a sentence starter for your real life.
"I don't even know if I believe what I'm saying, but..." is a way to preface what you want to say when you don't even know what you really think. It's a way to essentially say, "Please don't judge me- I'm still processing," or "I really don't have this figured out yet," or, "I need and want to share my conflicting, inconclusive thoughts and would love your perspective."
The people close to you will be happy and honored to listen and process with you. And for all the “verbal processors” in your life, they will LOVE hearing your thoughts. It'll be like you're giving them a gift.
I encourage you to try it out. The next time you’re having a vulnerable conversation (with a safe, understanding person) and you don’t know how to explain yourself, just take the pressure off and say, “I don’t even know if I believe what I’m saying, but..”